Once I realized how Shame cut into the flesh of my psyche, I began identifying it quicker. My mother dug the hole and filled it with NOs and not answering questions. When she died, I felt free. She and my dad weren't married when she got pregnant. In fact, I don't know how long they knew each other, but I'm not sure my mother felt Love for my dad when she felt pushed into marriage in 1945. I was three months pre-mature and weighed under 3 lbs. Even when I was permitted out of the incubator, she was too "afraid" to hold me. My dad took over and I never did bond with my mom. I became her shame. She projected every negative impulse onto me. She would say things like, "If your great-grandmother were alive, she would hate your red hair." Actually, I had gorgeous strawberry-blonde hair that she made me keep short and close to my head when I was in elementary school. When she was mad at my Dad, she would proclaim that I was just like him and took after his side of the family. Actually, I'm a physical blend of both sides of my family now that I'm 79 years old and can look at really old family pictures and identify the features. I won't go on. It's such a long and pain filled story - I don't even remember big hunks of my childhood. Five years of therapy gave me a great start to stay on top of the shame feelings when they came up. I owe my life to that psychologist and pray for him daily.
Blessings on that therapist and thank God for him. Yes, a very painful story. I’m so sorry. The pain starting even at your birth and the days immediately following. Makes me so sad for that tiny tiny infant who deserved to be fully loved.
I’ve had years of therapy that exposed so much to me that I wasn’t seeing. Yet shame still stings me often. I can recognize what is happening, at least, even if I seem unable to fully stop the spiral when it occurs.
Thank you for sharing your story here, Donna! Bless you.
Thank you for your courageous reflection. I too suffer from shame. As an enneagram 4 have discovered how it has challenged my life in so many ways. Shalom Dianne Rodriguez
I appreciate your comment, Dianne. My personality type is also Enneagram 4. Interesting to me is the correlation between the flamboyance and artistry of the 4 and chronic shame. Blessings, friend!
Yes I have this need to be not only super authentic but different at the same time. The idea of being like the rest scares the daylights out of me, as if I were, I would not exist.And yet being special offers many shame triggers. It’s a dance for sure. Not a gentle balanced dance, but more like a tango🌹blessings to you .
Once I realized how Shame cut into the flesh of my psyche, I began identifying it quicker. My mother dug the hole and filled it with NOs and not answering questions. When she died, I felt free. She and my dad weren't married when she got pregnant. In fact, I don't know how long they knew each other, but I'm not sure my mother felt Love for my dad when she felt pushed into marriage in 1945. I was three months pre-mature and weighed under 3 lbs. Even when I was permitted out of the incubator, she was too "afraid" to hold me. My dad took over and I never did bond with my mom. I became her shame. She projected every negative impulse onto me. She would say things like, "If your great-grandmother were alive, she would hate your red hair." Actually, I had gorgeous strawberry-blonde hair that she made me keep short and close to my head when I was in elementary school. When she was mad at my Dad, she would proclaim that I was just like him and took after his side of the family. Actually, I'm a physical blend of both sides of my family now that I'm 79 years old and can look at really old family pictures and identify the features. I won't go on. It's such a long and pain filled story - I don't even remember big hunks of my childhood. Five years of therapy gave me a great start to stay on top of the shame feelings when they came up. I owe my life to that psychologist and pray for him daily.
Blessings on that therapist and thank God for him. Yes, a very painful story. I’m so sorry. The pain starting even at your birth and the days immediately following. Makes me so sad for that tiny tiny infant who deserved to be fully loved.
I’ve had years of therapy that exposed so much to me that I wasn’t seeing. Yet shame still stings me often. I can recognize what is happening, at least, even if I seem unable to fully stop the spiral when it occurs.
Thank you for sharing your story here, Donna! Bless you.
Thanks for this honest reflection. It has me thinking about the ways self love can be interrupted and challenged.🌹🌹🌹
I like the construction of your sentence, which seems to imply our natural starting place is self-love. I do agree.
Thank you for your courageous reflection. I too suffer from shame. As an enneagram 4 have discovered how it has challenged my life in so many ways. Shalom Dianne Rodriguez
I appreciate your comment, Dianne. My personality type is also Enneagram 4. Interesting to me is the correlation between the flamboyance and artistry of the 4 and chronic shame. Blessings, friend!
Yes I have this need to be not only super authentic but different at the same time. The idea of being like the rest scares the daylights out of me, as if I were, I would not exist.And yet being special offers many shame triggers. It’s a dance for sure. Not a gentle balanced dance, but more like a tango🌹blessings to you .